From Patrick Cannon in Washington D. C.-
If Browns fans are RG3’s new girlfriend, Skins fans are his ex-wife. We write to you today with a warning: don’t fall in love.
Whether they admit it or not, everyone in Washington watched what RG3 did last night — the laser-rocket arm, the breakaway speed, the passion — it reminded us of a happy time in our lives.
We remember when he treated us well. Lavish gifts, lovable slogans — our first year together was amazing.
As we watched the faces in your crowd smile and cheer, we saw the hope that RG3 once brought to us. Please learn from our mistakes, Cleveland. No one wants to see their friends get hurt. You used to be our sister city of sports misery. Until this summer you were our reminder that things could always be worse as sports fans. Now, when we see you, we barely recognize you — there is this disturbing air about you, which I believe scientists refer to as happiness.
Don’t let the euphoria of your basketball championship blur your vision. Soul-crushing reality is coming for you. This season’s dose will be brought to you by the freshly rebranded RG3, now playing in an offense “built to his strengths.”
I know that things probably seem pretty great right now. You’re coming off a relationship with a drug addict (Johnny Football) and now you’ve found a nice man who quotes the bible and seems to say all the right things. And he looks the part, too. We’ll admit that nobody looks better in mesh shorts and a helmet than RG3, especially without the knee brace. Until the games matter, it will be nothing but smiles and promises. That’s when you’ll begin to realize your new man is a big hat with no cattle.
The important thing for you to know is that you can’t fix him. He’s always been this way, and he’ll always be this way. The only consistency in Robert Griffin III’s life is delusion.
He and his entire family are oblivious. We all know about him bringing his daddy into the locker room, but did you know when he came to Washington his mother reached out to a director at the best sports radio station in D.C. about doing her own radio show? How well do you think that would have gone for both of them? Your new man is delusional because he comes from a delusional environment.
Choosing Cleveland tells you all you need to know about RG3. There were systems that better suited his skill set, places where he could have worked on his weaknesses and possibly rebuilt his career over time, but he wanted to be a starter immediately and Cleveland offered him the path of least resistance. His faith in himself exceeds comprehension.
He is a man who needs instant gratification and constant attention. He’s repeating the same things he said to us during our first year together, when we thought they were cute and special. His slogan for 2016 is a repeat of one of his earlier works, “No Pressure, No Diamonds” — a bit on-the-nose for a guy who just filed for divorce, wouldn’t you say?
Think about that saying for a second. It is supposed to imply that success is forged, not promised. Yet, RG3 came into the league believing that his work was already done. When we asked him to change he scoffed at us and told our coaches how to coach.